Toxic positivity is, well, toxic.
Oxford Languages defines toxic as "very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way."
Insidious is defined as "proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects."
Using these definitions, I see toxic positivity as something that is subtly harmful in the beginning but builds up to something extremely harmful. I can personally attest to this. Toxic positivity invalidates the feelings of the person in question. It gives the message that they shouldn't be feeling the way they feel. It sends the message that they are defective, selfish, inadequate. It teaches them to hide their feelings. And when everyone hides their struggles, each individual feels they are the only one struggling, further pushing the feeling that they are wrong.
My boyfriend had trouble telling me when he was struggling mentally or physically. When I brought it up, he would always tell me he doesn't want to bother me because I'm already dealing with so much. I shouldn't have to worry about him too. I tell him the same thing repeatedly. And I've begun to share the phrase with others as well.
My pain does NOT invalidate your pain!
Just because I have my mental and MS struggles, that does not mean someone else's struggle is less important. If it did, well everyone would always be able to find someone who "has it worse." It's true. There are people worse off than me. There are people reading this who are worse off than me. But that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to feel certain ways. That doesn't mean I'm not allowed to grieve the life I lost with my diagnosis. And boy, have I grieved.
Some days I have a positive outlook, like I did during the heatwave a few weeks ago. Other days, like last night and today, I look at my state of life and grieve because the hits seem never ending. I compare my position to the place I was 2.5 years ago. I feel like I've become stagnant. My paycheck has increased, but so have the bills and necessities of life. I went from debt free with a phenomenal credit score to carrying balances. I went from being able to go out last minute with no thought to pinching pennies. I went from having my future vaguely planned to not having a clue. And I grieve.
Toxic positivity would tell me to look on the bright side. That good things have come in the last two years as well. Toxic positivity would tell me that at least I'm not as disabled as that person. Toxic positivity would point any number of things to be positive about. But that's not what I need.
I know all the good things. But I need to acknowledge the bad. I need to be told that it is okay to feel grief for the life I lost. I need to be told that my feelings matter, that I matter. I need understanding that things are different now. I need someone to agree with me that life sucks right now, but that's okay. Because it is only by feeling those emotions and dealing with them that I can grow. I have to grieve the past before I can look to the future. And just like the loss of a loved one can hit you fresh out of the blue, the grief of the life you thought you had can and will creep up when you least expect it.
I cried last night. Cried for the frustrations this year has brought. Cried for the seeming impossibility of the future I'm working for. Cried because I feel "forgotten." Like I should be used to everything and "over it". Cried because the world has moved on, but I'm still dealing with what life has thrown at me.
And you know what, that's okay. Six years ago, I would not have allowed myself the luxury of grief. Today me realizes that allowing myself to grieve is an important part of staying mentally and physically healthy. And having felt and expressed my emotions, I am now ready to push forward without them weighing me down.
Commentaires