I haven't written in over a week. I've been absolutely exhausted. Last weekend was my 35th birthday. I took time off work. I planned to relax and enjoy myself for the first time in a long time. But life interfered and it ended being the worst birthday I've had in current memory. I can't elaborate, but suffice it to say I've been dealing with something all week that is causing great amounts of stress and worry.
The stress and worry have definitely affected my MS. Stress is the arch enemy of everyone with MS. I was up all night Monday, not sleeping until 5:00 am and only getting about three hours of sleep. Tuesday night I finally fell asleep around midnight, but woke up at 2:00 am and was awake for nearly three hours before I could sleep again. And the rest of the evenings passed in similar fashion. Great. Now I have MS, worry, stress, and sleep deprivation! Yay me!
Friday I was a little more with it. I got home and looked around from my spot on the couch. I was disgusted. There were dishes in the sink filled with nasty, rotting water. There was a container of oatmeal in the cupboard with the dishes instead of in the pantry with the food. The floor hadn't been swept all week. Dirty clothes lying on the bathroom floor because the effort of picking them up was too much. The cat peed on the floor and I realized I hadn't cleaned the litter box all week. And a pile of bills sat on the edge of the couch. Unopened, of course. I knew what they said. I looked at it all and was disgusted. I live in comfortable clutter, I don't live in filth. And this, dear reader, was filth.
I began to question myself and all my abilities. I can't even take care of my animals! I need to find them new homes! If I can't take care of basic things, how can I deal with larger things? How dare I want to be a mother? I can't bring a child into this!
I say this not to gain sympathy, but to be real. Energy is precious. And my energy had been so taken up with the crisis of the week, that I'd had no energy left for daily living. Pretty sure I even skipped brushing my teeth a couple nights! Now, I was once again confronted with a daunting task that felt hopeless to accomplish in my current state. No way was I going to be able to clean this filth. And you know what? I DIDN'T!
I cleaned the cat pee. But instead of cleaning the litter boxes, I just rotated them. I put the cleanest one where the dirtiest one sat. And I felt horrible about myself. I told a friend what I'd done. You know what she said? "It's okay. It counts!" This little thing that was so far below half-assing a task counted. I took care of the immediate crisis. And I refused to let myself feel bad about it.
And you know what? I slept nine hours straight last night!!! Then I went to the bathroom, went back to bed and slept three more! Sleep is a gift. And having slept, I was able to proceed with my favorite cleaning strategy. I rolled out of bed an signed into my Saturday therapy group. I was 15 minutes late, but I still signed on. And I talked for the first time! After that I cleaned the cat boxes for real. Then sat down and had a popsicle for break. Despite the fact that I had delicious home-caught halibut in the fridge, I put fish sticks in the oven. No way was I going to cook. Then, I let myself watch a movie. After the movie, I swept the floor. Now, I'm writing to y'all.
I look around from where I sit. The nasty dishes are still in the sink. The clothes are still on the floor. But at some point I did take out the trash in addition to the other tasks. I would say things are a half-step above filth right now. But I'm done cleaning. I'm already exhausted. You can't make up a week of sleep in one night. And I don't want to push myself so hard that the stress keeps me awake and I start that circle. It will still be there tomorrow. And tomorrow I will not be who I am today.
This is my reality. Some days are fabulous. I'm on top of the world and can do anything! Then there are days like this. Where I can't find the oatmeal because I put it some weird place. When I can't manage any tasks because of the room a crisis is taking up in my mind. When a friend says she's going to the store and asks if I need anything, and the only reply I can give is, "Yes, but I don't know what!" When I do three simple housekeeping tasks and feel the fatigue of an all day hike.
This is my reality. This is my MS. And you know what? That's okay. I'm going to own my life and keep moving forward. Because I am a WARRIOR!
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